Relationships

While out with Angelo the other night I became one of those girls that I hate. I lost my confidence in myself and in my relationship when I became increasingly uncomfortable with the fact that a girl Angelo once knew was sitting at the table behind me. I tried to maintain my composure and my confidence in my relationship with Angelo, but I guess when this girl is constantly watching me I got uncomfortable. Angelo and his friend came to the bar so that Angelo and I could go home together, but he could still have his guys night. That was fine initially, but not when that girl was there. I guess I needed attention from him that I wasn't going to get. He still wanted his guys night. I would have moved to another table if the bar wasn't so busy. I just hate that I became that person that I hate. I love my boyfriend and I know that he loves me too. We were in a lose lose situation that night, and I wanted to win. I was being a stubborn baby. I'm so mad at myself. We woke up yesterday morning and he was still mad at me, he tried leaving right when we woke up, which defeated the purpose of staying in bed for a while together, since our schedules never allow us to do so. He didn't want to be with me, he didn't want to lay with me. After he left I laid in bed crying and came to realize something very important about myself and why I act in a way that I know will push the one I love away from me. It's like I always knew something was wrong with me when I get to a certain point in my relationships with guys, but never could put my finger on it; I finally became conscious of what was the cause. My dad and brother. My dad moved away when I was 6 years old, leaving his family that he should have been responsible for. I probably only saw him a handful of times each year that he was gone. My father left me. Even until now, he is his own priority. He was never there to support me in any way a father should support his daughter. He just worried about himself and the things he wanted and needed. I could go on and on about the things he didn't do, and I probably couldn't even begin to say what he actually did do for me. Then there is my brother, he must have learned from my father. We are 8 years apart, which that alone makes it difficult for us to have a normal brother/sister relationship. But he also never gave me attention or care. He too is also all about himself. I only see him when, a)he needs something from my mom, b)it's his birthday, or c)the occasional holiday where he actually decides to get out of bed to spend time with his family. Being that my dad and brother were the only men in my life growing up and the fact that they both more or less abandoned me, makes it hard for me to accept the love of Angelo and not fear that when things get rough he won't leave. I find ways to push him away, ways in which used to be unconscious, but now I am aware of them. I act in the way I did the other night at the bar, so that if he leaves me, it's my fault. I don't know if I really think that my dad and brother not being there for me is my own fault, but it's hard not to think that at least a little bit. I guess I'm afraid to be with someone and not expect them to leave me and not take care of me in ways that I guess I need. Not to say that I depend on being taken care of, that's not what I mean. Just someone to love me unconditionally and someone who I know will do anything for me if it comes down to it. That's not my dad or brother, will they ever truly be there for me? I don't think so. They are #1 in their world. Dad's vacations were always more important. Dad says it's incredibly important for me to go to college, but his new trucks, campers, and vacations come before helping me to get through college financially. Or in high school when I was going through some of the hardest times in my life, and hardly making it to the next day, "sorry Kristin, I'm going on vacation."....I really could go on, but I guess it comes down to the fact that my dad and brother have had more of a negative effect on me than I ever realized before. It upsets me like no other. I hope though that now that I am aware of what has caused me to push away the people/person who means most to me that I will be able to stop myself. I need to trust that Angelo does love me and stop letting my fears get in the way. My heart is feeling so much more than what I was able to write in this blog, but I can't seem to find the words.